Is There Anybody Out There?

I've been away for awhile -- busy with that other Houston Press thing I've got going on. But I just wanted to stop by and say hello. But I've got to know...

Is there anybody out there?

Hurricane Season

Okay, I feel like a jerk. And here's why.

I'm moving next week. For the first time in 13 years the Clown is packing his bags and going to a new residence. I'm moving from the suburban hell of Webster, TX to the hip, trendy urban midtown area of Houston (by definition, I think, the place becomes no longer trendy when I move there).

The problem is this, something known as Hurricane Dean which is bearing down on the Lesser Antilles as we speak. Now, I'm set to move at the end of next week, and, according to these models, by the time I move, Dean will have either wiped out the Yucatan Peninsula and will have slammed into the upper coast of Mexico. Or it will be destroying New Orleans. Or it will be have just finished turning Houston into New Orleans.

I live in a hurricane evacuation zone. So, if something about a Category Two comes through, my present apartment complex is probably wiped away by the storm surge. I don't want this to happen. I want to make my move -- the midtown area is not in the storm surge area, so there shouldn't be flood issues, just the no power for weeks on end issue.

So, I want to get to moved into my new place. I want to unpack. To relax a bit. I want Dean to wipe out Mexico. It's nothing against Mexico, or the people there, I'm just being a selfish prick, and this is really eating at me right now.

For what it's worth, I'm going to try in the morning to see if the new place will let me move in early, like 4-5 days early. And I doubt I can get the utilities hooked up in time -- these people work on schedules and I'll probably be screwing with that too much, especially with a major hurricane bearing down on the city, but I just kind of want to get my stuff moved to safety -- I can stay at various other places in the city with friends who will may have utilities...

And you guys just don't care. But I'm feeling like a prick for wanting this thing to go into Mexico for my comfort.

Oh, and for any who care, Tropical Storm Erin came into Texas today. This is how accurate the modeling is on these things. It was going to come in around Corpus, and Houston was going to get about 1-3 inches of rain. There was a possibility of flash flooding associated with the storm, but this was to be to the counties and cities south of Houston.

Well, Houston got 1-3 inches alright, between the hour of 9-10 a.m. There were 8 inches of rain on the edges of downtown Houston today, and there was lots and lots of flooding.

And you're bored, so I'll let you guys go on with your lives. Just giving everyone an update.

Later.

God Is Their Co-Pilot

Well, the Astros really suck this season. But it looks like they've found a solution to that suckiness. Saturday is Faith and Family Night at Minute Maid Park. There will be lots of Christian speechifying, Lance Berkman's going to give his testimony then the team's going to go out and lay down a Christian whipping on the Milwaukee Brewers.

The thing is, this appears to be a Christian-only function. The Astros seem to believe that Christians are the only people that have families, or faith.

I don't care, but it bugs me that jocks seem to think that God really gives a damn about each movement. Like it's God's doing that they got a bloop single. Do people really think that God, if He/She exists, really spends time manipulating the happenings on the ball field. And what if the pitcher prays just as much as the batter -- how does God decide who to bless?

Oh well, I don't think it's going to help the Astros any. Not unless God puts on the spikes and joins the starting rotation.

What I'm Listening To, Again

Well, it’s been awhile, so here’s the latest edition of what happens when I hit the shuffle button on my iPod.

1. “Undone (The Sweater Song)” from Weezer. I love this song. This song rocks. There’s a very good video from Spike Jonez shot in slow motion of the band performing the song before a blue backdrop. It doesn’t sound like much, but it works. “Watch me unravel/I’ll soon be naked/lying on the floor/lying on the floor/I’ve come undone.” I always thought that this would be a perfect song for a strip club, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard it played. Then again, I’m not always listening to the music when I’m at a strip club.

2. “Malibu” from Hole’s Celebrity Skin. This is probably Hole’s most commercial, slickest-ever song and it was co-written by Billy Corgan. I think this was the last time Courtney Love was ever in control of anything.

3. “…Baby One More Time” from Britney Spears. Yeah, I’ve got some Britney on my iPod. She must be following the Courtney Love career plan.

4. “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult. Cool song. I never really noticed it until I read Stephen King’s The Stand. He quotes the song several times.

5. “I’m Not Like Everybody Else,” by The Kinks. One of my favorite bands. EVER. And this is a very underrated song that doesn’t get much radio airplay. And thankfully, Van Halen didn’t try and ruin this song.

6. “Dreaming” from Blondie. Hot woman. Hot band. Hot song. I like the drum work on this song.

7. “A Life of Illusion” from Joe Walsh. Sometimes, I too can’t help but feeling that I’m living a life of illusion.

8. “Anybody Seen My Baby,” by the Rolling Stones. I don’t like much of the Stones output over the past 20 years. But I’ve got to admit to liking this song. And the video with Angelina Jolie walking the streets of New York in a fur coat and lingerie is also good.

9. “Turn To You,” by The Go-Go’s off of Talk Show. This was the band at its best. This was also the band as it was falling apart.

10. “Somewhere I Belong” by Linkin Park. Heavy metal-rap. Not bad.

11. “Synchronicity II” from The Police. I was afraid Sting would ruin this when the band did it in concert. Happily, I was wrong.

12. “Live Forever” by Oasis. I remember people comparing this band to The Kinks and The Beatles. The band was good. But not that good.

13. “Polyester Bride” from Liz Phair. Very hot woman trying to grow up. This was her mature song off of her mature album. Her next album would be the commercial album.

14. “Tusk” from Fleetwood Mac. I saw Lindsay Buckingham perform this back in January. Just him and the three guys backing him. I didn’t think it could be pulled off. But he did.

15. “I Got You” by the Split Enz. This band would split up and some of its members would go on to form Crowded House, one of my favorite bands. And this is a good song.

And that’s it for this week.

Question of the Month

So, do any of you ever wonder if Ben Affleck looks at Matt Damon's career and goes: that should've been me?

Just curious.

I'm Still Standing

Hey, sorry I haven't written lately. I've got a bunch of excuses. But whether you guys will go for any of it is a different matter.

Excuse One: I've been busy with work. Trust me, I have.

Excuse Two: I've been busy with the blogging over at the Houston Press Sports Blog.

Excuse Three: I'm moving in about two weeks, and I've been really, really busy packing.

Excuse Four: I've been busy dealing with my Dad. He's better, and the situation's somewhat better. But it's still time consuming.

I'll try to get back to regular posting come September.

And please forgive me.

Some More of What I'm Listening To

Okay, it's been awhile since I posted an edition of What I'm Listening To. So, since I've recently purchased a bunch of newly released CDs, I'm going to give you a random sampling of what I've heard on those CDs.

1. "Tarantula" from Smashing Pumpkins' Zeitgeist. Yep, it's the reunited Pumpkins, minus the guitarist and the bassist. But we all know that it's Billy Corgan who made the band go round, so if this is what he wants...

This song is encapsulates all that is/was good at about the Smashing Pumpkins. Jimmy Chamberlain, who does return to the band, is still able to pound ferociously on the drums and drive the song at a quick pace. Corgan's whine is perfect for the song: "I don't want to fight/Every single night," he starts, but the song's just trying to pick a fight.

2. "United States" from that same album. And this is encapsulates all that is/was bad about the Pumpkins. It's long -- clocking in at 9:52. It's indulgent. Kind of sloppy.

3. "Billie Jean" by Chris Cornell from his new CD Carry On. That's right, the former Audioslave and Soundgarden front man is covering Michael Jackson. And I don't know about you, but I don't really think that this song needed to be redone. Still, Cornell does a good job with it, changing the tempo and slowing it down, making it into a grunge/blues song.

4. "You Know My Name" closes out the Cornell CD. You might also know this song as the theme song to the last Bond movie, Casino Royale. I like this song. A lot. I wish more of the CD were this good.

5. "Nobody Wants To" from Crowded House's new CD, Time On Earth. This, like most of Crowded House's work, is a quiet, tuneful song that's darker than it sounds: "Down on the ocean floor/that's where I'm heading for/hold onto a sinking stone/until the worst is known/nobody wants to think about it/nobody wants to talk about it." That's right, the CD starts with a song about suicide.

6. "Don't Stop Now" from that same album. It's got bright, bouncy, cheerful music with the typical dark lyrical undercurrent. It's a good CD. Not a bad song in the group.

7. "A Better Man" from Nick Lowe's At My Age. Lowe's career started at the beginning of the punk movement and he's probably best known as the writer of "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding." He's grown up, and this song is a crooner with a touch of country. It's a song of regret for the past yet full of hope for the future.

8. "The Club" from the Nick Lowe CD. It's a simple song about love gone bad. Very few instruments, and it could almost be a country tune, or, if the tempo were a bit faster, it could easily be 50s-era Elvis Presley.

9. "She Builds Quick Machines" from Velvet Revolver's Libertad. Admit it, you didn't think that this band would survive one CD. Much less make a second. Maybe they should've stopped after the first. This song is standard Velvet Revolver. Lots of guitar and banging drums. It's just like the stuff on Contraband, though not as good, or fresh.

10. "Can't Get It Out of My Head." Velvet Revolver covers Electric Light Orchestra, and pulls it off. Just imagine ELO without all of the strings and orchestra, and just nothing but guitars and drums. This is easily my favorite thing on this CD.

11. "Dance Tonight" from Paul McCartney's Memory Almost Full. If he would've done this song about 25 years ago, it'd be a huge number hit. He didn't. But it's a good song. Easily something that would've been the best thing on a Wings album. It's a fun song to listen to, to hum to, to sing to.

12. "Only Mama Knows." McCartney likes to start a song one way, then send change the tempo and make it something else. This starts as a ballad, maybe a love song, but as the first lyric hits, it turns into a rocker.

13. "Icky Thump" from The White Stripes' Icky Thump. Okay, I don't get the critical acclaim for this CD. It's only okay. I don't like it as much as the last CD. I kind of think that Jack White's believing his publicity. Here Jack wails. Meg pounds. There's a little distortion and some sloppy production.

14. "Conquest" sounds like something from one of those 1970s grindhouse flicks, or else something that Quentin Tarantino requested for one of his movies. Jack White can't pull it off.

And, number 15 is an oldier, but because I'm sick of all the rain that Houston's been having since May, I've been listening to this song alot.

15. "Mr. Blue Sky" from Electric Light Orchestra.

Ballpark Tour: Rogers Centre, Toronto

So, as you might recall, I was in Toronto now long ago. So here are some photos of the Rogers Centre, formerly known as the Skydome.


This is photo is looking down into the stadium as the roof opens. I'm about 142 stories up, taking this photo from the Skypod high atop the CN Tower.

This is coming up to one of the main entrances of the stadium.

This is from center field. The roof is closed today because it's raining outside.
The Blue Jays don't have a real scoreboard. They use the video board for stats. Player stats on the upper left. Lineups on the upper right.

And this is the view of my seat.

I liked the place. It was bright and colorful inside, even with the roof closed because of the rain. The concourses were wide. There were lots of food choices, and I thought that prices were reasonable.

Well, that's it for now.

And so ends the photo from the 20th MLB park that I've attended. Only 10 more left.

A Modest Proposal

I travel a lot. For work, and for fun. That means that I fly a lot. That means that I'm pissed off. A lot.

So, I offer this modest proposal.

1. When you get on the plane. Go to your seat and get out of the fucking way. I'm really getting tired of you pricks who just stand in the aisle and try and try and try and try to shove your oversized luggage into the luggage bin. Then you keep standing there and see if the people around you want to trade seats. Meanwhile, people are standing in the aisles, waiting for you to sit your ass down so that they can get to their seats.

2. If your bag is bigger than you are, then fucking check it. Yeah, it might get lost, so fucking learn how to pack. If it can't fit under the seat, then don't bring it on the damn plane.

3. Put your luggage in the bin over your head. If you're sitting in the back of the plane, then put you bag in the bin's back there. Don't stick the bags up front so that they'll be easier to for you to get to as you leave the plane. The people who sit in the seats up front would really like to have the ability to put their bags in the bins over their heads.

4. The plane isn't your fucking bedroom. So don't dress like you're going to bed. The only woman that I want to see dressed like this is some woman that looks like this. And guys, those shorts with the untucked t-shirt and t-shirt that barely conceals that beer belly, well, I don't want to see it. And I know that security is a real bitch, but really, enough of the flip-flops and sandals, especially you guys since most of you have really ugly toe nails. I don't want to look at it. You don't have to wear a suit. Hell, I rarely wear have to wear a suit when I travel. But take some pride in your appearance. Would you go out on a date dressed like crap? Or to a nice dinner? Then dress like that on the plane. It's not that hard.

5. And when they tell you to turn off your phones, turn off your phones. I shouldn't be hearing your fucking phone ringing as we're rolling down the runway for take-off. And I don't want to hear you pick it up and say hello.

Act like a grown-up when you're on the plane.

Please.

This has been a modest proposal.

Experiences With Lindsay Lohan

So, as promised in yesterday’s Coming Attractions post, I am going to be on The Late Show with David Letterman tomorrow night.

Yeah, I know, but I promise not to forget about all of you little people when I’m famous. No. Really. I mean it.

Here’s the deal. I went from a little vacation time in Toronto over the weekend to a trip to New York City for a little work related function. I’ve just checked into my hotel – the New York Hilton on 6th Avenue – and I’ve unpacked and I’m roaming the streets. Actually, I’ve kind of meandered over to Broadway and I see the crowd standing outside of Letterman’s studio. It’s about 3:00, so I know that it’s the crowd waiting to go in for the taping of the Monday night show. I take a left and start heading down Broadway to 42nd Street. I’ve walked about 2 blocks when I hear this guy asking if anyone’s interested in Late Show tickets.

I’m thinking, there’s probably some scam going on, but I’ll bite. The tickets are supposed to be free, so if he starts asking for the credit card, I’ll just split. Instead the guy says that I’ve got to answer a trivia question: “who is Rupert?” When I say the guy from the Hello Deli, he says that I’ve got a ticket for a show taping tonight.

Now, I’ve just come from the studio, they’re getting ready to tape the thing. So I ask about that. He tells me that Letterman likes his three day weekends, and that to have one this week, he’s taping shows on Monday. The show that I will be attending is to start at 7:00 and it will air on Friday.

I pick up my ticket, and picking up the ticket involves standing in a long line for about half-an-hour. While I’m waiting, there are Late Show ushers standing outside, keeping order, and telling everybody that though the temp outside is about 100, it’s a nice chilly 52 inside and that we should all bring sweaters or sweatshirts to keep warm.

I haven’t packed any of this, so I hit the CBS store, right next door, and I buy a Late Show sweatshirt.

I’m told to return at 6:00 and that the seating will be random. So, I return and at 6:00 me and my group are squeezed into the lobby where we’re given all kinds of instructions, like no wolf whistles, no woo-woo’s, that kind of thing, because the microphone’s pick up every noise. We’re seated at about 6:30, and a stand-up comes out to get the crowd warmed a bit, then the band members are introduced one-by-one followed by Paul and the announcer Alan. Then, five minutes before the show starts, Dave comes running out and starts chatting with the crowd.

I’m about six rows back, about 4 seats inside the row, sitting in the section on the band’s side of the stage. Letterman looks around and goes: “Hey, you, in the blue shirt.” Now, my sweatshirt is blue, but I don’t think it’s me, then he says it again, and points in my direction. I look down at my shirt, and he says, “yeah you,” and has me stand up. We chat a bit, and he asks me about the cost of the shirt. I tell him and he makes a big deal about how expensive it is. Then he has the warm-up comic come down into the audience and pay me for the shirt.

So, things are going great. I’ve just talked with Dave, and I’ve gotten a free Late Show sweatshirt. Then it’s time for the show to start.

Dave comes out and starts in on the monologue. He does some Friday the 13th jokes, then some Harry Potter jokes. Then he’s on about how hot it is in New York. About how it’s so hot that people will do crazy things, like spend $45 bucks for a sweatshirt. As I’m laughing, I notice the monitors overhead and I see that there’s a shot of me up there.

So, I’m going to be on national television on Friday night.

Watch.

Oh, and the guests, besides the Clown, are Queen Latifah, Alan Zweibel, and Smashing Pumpkins.

Oh, as to the Lindsay Lohan reference in the title, one of the ushers with whom we spent time while standing in line, inside and outside, was a dead ringer for the blond-era Lohan. Except that she wasn’t Nicole Ritchie skinny, and she didn’t appear to be drunk or high. But she did have freckles.