Open The Pod Bay Doors, Hal.

So I've got to do these job-searching activities each week to remain eligible for unemployment -- which, though I filed for it over a month ago I've yet to get and the story of which I'll go into later. I've met with recruiters. And sent resumes to friends -- and I've got plenty of resumes to send out to any friends who want them and think they can help.

But on Saturday, I registered with Monster.com. What can it hurt, right? And I actually saw some attorney postings I hadn't seen elsewhere on the web. There were even some postings from my recruiters seeking applicants for temp/contract positions for which I'm qualified and for which they've yet to tell me about so I'm majorly pissed about that.

Anyway, after you do all of this mumbo-jumbo including a work history, an education history, goals, etc., they start giving you ideas for jobs for which you should apply. And the job at the top of the list that they (HAL 9000) composed for me was a position for cook at The Cheesecake Factory in San Antonio?

Huh?

I don't cook. I'm okay with the microwave, but cook? Hell, if my family actually thought I still existed they would be laughing their asses off. I've got three degrees. A B.A. in Radio-Television, minor in English with membership in the University of Houston's Honors Program (now Honors College) from the University of Houston. I've got a Juris Doctorate from South Texas College of Law. And I've got a LL.M. (Masters of Law) from the McGeorge School of Law. Nowhere in that background is anything on cooking.

And as for job experience, let's see. I've worked for Channel Two, KPRC. I've worked graphics/replays for the Astrodome DiamondVision. I've written book reviews for the Houston Chronicle, and I write sports for the Houston Press. I've been a junior litigation associate. And a contract attorney. And a staff attorney in charge of document review/production. Once again, nowhere is there any mention of cooking experience. None.

So where did it come up with a list that shows that my number one job option is as a cook for The Cheesecake Factory in San Antonio?

By the way, I live in Houston. I made it clear that I live in Houston. I said I would be willing to travel for work. But I think traveling to San Antonio to cook for The Cheesecake Factory is asking a bit too much.

Then again, maybe the problem is all with me. Maybe I'm just being too demanding. But really, is it asking too much for this thing to match me up with some actual attorney jobs? Or something befitting my educational background?