Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring. Which means that President Obama has to choose someone to take his place. Now I know that the president will probably go for a minority of some kind, like a woman, a Hispanic, or an African-American. And that makes sense to me, and I've got no problem with that, but...
I'm an attorney, and I'm out of a job. So I'll be happy to take a lifetime appointment to the court. And to show just how I willing I am, I thought I would list the reasons why I should get the job.
1. For starters, I'm not afraid to admit I'm a liberal. Not one of those moderate liberals like Souter, but a real liberal. After all, elections matter, damn it. And a real liberal should be put on that court to balance out that nutjob Scalia.
2. I'm single. I've never been married. And I have no children (that I'm aware of). That makes me a perfect fit to take over the Bachelor's Seat from Souter.
3. And hey, that means I don't have any problems with unpaid nanny taxes.
4. Did I mention that I'm unemployed? By giving me the job you get to reduce the unemployment figures.
5. I don't mind working. Look, the workload of the Court has dropped drastically from when I was in law school. It's not like they've got a physically demanding job, after all. So they should be churning out more opinions and hearing more cases every year, the lazy bastards.
6. Unlike some of the members of the Court, I actually know about that clause in the Second Amendment that allows for the regulation of guns. It's there. Really. I suggest you read it. It's not that hard to miss. Unless you're a conservative, or illiterate.
7. I've actually read The Federalist Papers.
8. Did I mention that I'm a licensed attorney?
9. I think that I look good in a black robe.
10. It's time to get rid of that stupid anti-trust exemption for baseball. Just bring a case around and I'll make sure that logic finally sees the light of day.
11. You want diversity? Well it's about time that an Agnostic bordering on Atheist gets a spot on the Court. Don't you agree?
12. Really, someone under the age of retirement should actually be appointed to that thing for once.
13. Hey, if Justice Thomas needs someone to watch porn with, I'll do it. I'm just that kind of guy.
14. I've never made more than a hundred grad in a year. So this position will mean I get a raise.
15. Unlike Justice Souter, I actually like living in the city. Especially in a city with two major league baseball teams in such proximity. Though I guess calling the Nationals a major league team is stretching it a bit.
16. No need to worry about any high-class prostitute problems with me. Why pay $10,000 for something that I can get for $200. Or so I've heard.
17. Because no one from my law school has ever been appointed to the Supreme Court, and I think it would be kind of cool to be the first one.
18. Because that argument about the original intent of The Founding Fathers is just stupid. The original intent of guys like Jefferson and Franklin revolved around getting laid.
19. I've got a license to kill (no, seriously, my bar card has the numbers 007).
20. I want to show the world that not all people from Texas (or claiming to be from Texas) are stupid redneck morons.
21. If you hire me, you get rid of another member of the media. And we all know what pests members of the media can be.
22. I'm writer, so I can save some of the Court's budget by writing my own opinions. That means there'll be less need for law school graduates to be the most powerful people in the world.
23. I'll address that hypothetical: while I agree with the holding of Roe v. Wade, I think it was decided on faulty grounds. That said, I'll do everything within my power to make sure it stays as the law of the land.
24. Did I mention that I'm unemployed, and that I'm available to start right away?
25. How's this for diversity: a white, Southern, liberal male? Huh, you don't find many around like me.