25 Random Observations From A Trip To Vegas

As you know -- if you've been reading -- I was just in Las Vegas for a day. And as I like to do, I took some notes, which means...

25 Random Observations From A Trip To Las Vegas.

1. The Vegas betting line, as of Tuesday, August 25, 2009, was that the Houston Texans would win 8.5 games. I bet the under. Come January, I'm going to be rich.

2. What is it about Vegas and tourists and the way many tourists dress? It's like a gigantic convention of hookers and low level mobsters. I make the plea again, if you wouldn't dress this way at home, then don't dress like this in Vegas. Trust me on this, the hookers look better than you do in that micro-mini and halter, even with the needle marks and sunken cheekbones.

3. Speaking of hookers, I was actually approached by one at a little before midnight on Tuesday. That was a first for me. And I know she was a hooker because she was dressed like a tourist, she was halfway attractive, and she wasn't drunk. And she had to be a hooker. Otherwise, a semi-attractive woman would never come close to me.

4. I checked out of the hotel at 4:00 a.m. to get the airport. The casino was more crowded at 4:00 a.m. than it was at 1:00 p.m.

5. Okay, is there a casino in Las Vegas that doesn't have a Cirque de Soleil show? What next? Is Cirque going to team up with Carrot Top to stage the nightmares of all nightmares?

6. Speaking of Carrot Top...there were signs posted up and down the Strip advertising Carrot Top as the Comic of the Year in Vegas. I don't know if that means the people of Vegas have no taste or sense of humor, or that the hooker dressing tourists have even less taste than their clothing indicates.

7. And while I'm on Cirque de Soleil, I have a suggestion. Dump Criss Angel from your joint show "Believe" at Luxor. The Cirque portion of the show was far more inventive, enchanting, and mesmerizing than anything Angel did.

8. While at Luxor, I went to see "Fantasy," one of those boobie shows -- as the guy sitting next to me called it. I think I'm in love with about half of the cast. I'm just lusting after the other half.

9. It was good to know that even though the temperature was in the 100s, the homeless guys were still out on the Strip passing out the hooker baseball cards.

10. Then again, if it was Houston and the temp was 100 degrees outside, even the homeless guys would be inside somewhere. Instead, I --along with thousands of my best friends -- were out walking the street. It was hot, but bearable, unlike Houston. So maybe this dry heat thing ain't so bad.

11. What's with all of the penny and nickle slots? When I first went to Vegas in 1994, only old women were playing those slots, and they took up a small corner. Now those things take up a bulk of each casino floor.

12. Here's a little tip. Those penny and nickle slots... not a bargain. They play so many multiple lines that you go through your money much, much faster than on the quarter and dollar slots.

13. When you go to Las Vegas, go the Cheeseburger Place inside the Miracle Mile shops at Planet Hollywood. The best burger in the city, and the best burger I've had outside of one I got in a dive in New York City last year. I first ate there about five years ago, when it was Oasis Cheeseburger inside the Aladdin Hotel -- ownership and name of the casino changed. I've been wanting one of those burgers again since then, and I was afraid it would not live up to my memory. I was wrong.

14. And the bartender was cute. So extra points for that.

15. There's show at Planet Hollywood called "Peepshow." Yep, it's one of those topless girl shows. But this has Holly Madison, one of Hef's ex-girlfriends. If you want to see her boobs, wouldn't it just be cheaper to buy the copy of Playboy she was in?

16. I've got this to say about Vegas. I looked fit and skinny compared to most of the people I saw on the Strip. And unfortunately, most of the women were dressed like hookers. Not a pleasant sight.

17. Saw a billboard on the Strip advertising George Wallace's show at the Flamingo. It was a mock billboard running him for President in 2008. They do know that it's 2009, don't they?

18. That City Center thing has some interesting architecture, but the thing is huge. I wonder if they'll ever get it finished, and with this economy, isn't it a bit of gamble to plan on people actually being able to live there. Then again, it is Vegas, and Vegas lives on gambling.

19. I wonder what Penn & Teller think of Criss Angel. He seems to be one of those guys they love to mock and expose.

20. I hated the Luxor casino layout the first time I visited the place in 1994. It still sucks and has no rhyme or reason. It makes the Caesar's layout seem reasonable.

21. I stayed at New York-New York for the first time. My room was only 60 bucks, and it was huge. But it cost me five bucks to print out my boarding pass.

22. The best play slots or video poker is at The Mirage. And even then, you need to be over by The Beatles store which is next to the theater for Love. They play nothing but Beatles music there, so if you're going to lose, at least you get to hear nothing but really great music.

23. I saw two shows -- that Criss Angel/Cirque de Soleil thing and "Fantasy" -- and the theaters were half empty for both. I've got an idea, cheaper tickets. I think Charlie Sheen paid less for high-end call girls than you have to pay for some of the tickets for those shows.

24. Hey, when you're flying on a plane, please keep your shoes on. Especially if you're not wearing socks.

25. You know, I might remember all of the details of my trip, but I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't have a Hangover experience.